I love dark chocolate; I love natural black licorice; I love baked salmon; and I love my wife. Oh yes, and I almost forgot: I love hockey, I love football, and I love skiing. Obviously, there is a hierarchy of value in the list that I have given. Nothing in that list comes close to the love that I have for my wife. So then, what does love look like?
A doctor referred one of his patients to me and in doing so said, “Duane, she is 65 but she is in the body of a 85 year old.” This woman was filled with negativity. She could remember the smallest slight of a friend, the snub of a grandchild, the failure of her children to show care and the list goes on. Furthermore, she had a score card: if someone phoned, gave her a hug or in some way took an unsolicited interest in her, they got a point. But if they failed to meet her expectation, they lost 3 points. The fact was that no one could earn enough points to offset her downgrades. Her life was miserable and lonely. At the core of her negativity was deep bitterness towards her father for how he had treated her as a child. All of her relationships were infected with the poison of her bitterness. This woman was focused on how she should have been treated not how she should have responded.
This is where our definition of love enters the picture. The deepest, purest love says, “I will seek your good at my expense.” Love takes the focus off me and puts it on the other person. You see, “love is patient, love is kind, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
Love recognizes the inherent value of each person and consequently sees that we are all a work in progress. As the late Gert Behanna, said, “I’m not the person I used to be, but thank God, I’m not the person I’m gonna be.”
Love looks for a way to bring benefit to others. Self-centeredness says, “What has that person done for me lately?” Love says, “What can I do that will benefit you?”
Love is not out to promote me. It doesn’t parade its accomplishments or position itself for advancement. I was part of a newly elected board. When I entered the room for the first board meeting, I noted that there were the exact number of chairs for the elected members. One chair was clearly set apart from the rest and would likely be for the chairman of the board. All the members were present except one. When he arrived, he took the “chairman’s position” and called the meeting to order. He was the one who set the chairs out and it was clear that his intention was to assume the role of chairman. Love is not self-promoting.
Love doesn’t have a short fuse. Anger is like the red light on your dash—it lets you know there is something wrong, but the light is not the problem. Anger usually indicates that I believe I have been violated in some way. How we handle wrongs determines whether we take the higher road of love or seek self-vindication and entitlement to my rights. We have all been offended in large and small ways. In each situation we have to make a choice: will I focus on my hurt or will I let that hurt show me where the other person needs help?
Love doesn’t keep a scorecard. Love sees the big picture. It knows there is a just God who will bring all people into account for their words, actions and attitudes. That saves me the emotional and mental energy required to be His bookkeeper.
Let me leave you with three very simple thoughts:
Self-centeredness says, “What has that person done for me lately?” Love says, “What can I do for that person today?”
Self-centeredness makes mental lists of how others have disappointed them. Love makes mental lists of ways they can bless others.
Self-centeredness withholds affection and approval from those who don’t deserve it. Love gives affection unconditionally because none of us do deserve it.
Love that finds its origin in the heart of God knows no ethnic boundaries, political persuasion, social status, or educational attainment. It cannot be bought or sold, earned or traded, and it is unconditionally given. That is the Love with which I say, “Marva, I love you.”
