Our society has been flooded with self-help programs. We have told our children that they are “a promise, a great big bundle of potentiality.” We are a culture that is filled with platitudes and weak on performance.
Work with people has taught me that there are three core values that must be established if we are to help people achieve their potential. These three values are: obedience, respect and responsibility.
Obedience
At the heart of obedience is a healthy respect for the importance of boundaries and the willingness to submit my will to the authority of another person. I think I can already hear the rebuttal—“If you knew the character of my father, boss, supervisor et al,” you would not say that. Rooted in the concept of obedience is the strong believe that I can learn from any person. When I place myself above the authority, I close the door to learning. Rather than trying to understand the intention of the direction, it is challenged with “WHY?” In essence the challenger is saying, “If you can give me a logical reason why I should do this, then I might honor you with the usefulness of my skills.”
The ancient Greeks had a word hupoakoo which literally means, “listening under.” The sense of the word is: “Listening with a view to learning.” Obedience is really a posture of humility in which I recognize there is something I can learn, even in the framework of dysfunctional government. There are some considerations that must be in the mind of the person giving the command:
- Have I clearly communicated my expectations as to: the timeline; the standard of excellence; the consequences of non-compliance; and the line of accountability?
- Have I clearly assessed the ability of the person to fulfill my expectation? Are there skills that need honing; procedures that need reviewing or training that needs implementing?
- Remember, threats create a negative focus that hinders creativity. The undertone of a threat is really a statement of rejection: “I’m not sure you can do this so I will put my gun to your back to motivate you.”
Respect
By dictionary definition respect is: “To have a deferential regard for; esteem; to treat with propriety or consideration.”
At the heart of respect is the inherent value of every living person. This is value that is based on who they are as a person not how they perform. As I said in my last article, we must distinguish between the person and their performance. A person may make choices with dreadful consequences but that does not change the value of who they are. The use of obscenities, crude analogies or defamatory statements, reveals the insecurity of the one who is speaking not the value of the one to whom they are directed.
A ten-year-old boy rammed a pencil through the palm of a fellow class-mate. He was expelled from school and told he could not return until he had a letter of release from a counselor. After the first session it was clear the parents had defined the value of their son based on his negative performance. I had them list all the negative manifestations in their son’s behavior. Then we set out to discover the positive quality that was on the flip side of the negative. Rebellion is determination to establish myself as the ultimate authority. Rebellion creates reduction. Determination, as a positive quality, leads to creative solutions to overcome obstacles on our path.
Remember, performance does not define value, it reflects the worldview that has shaped choices. Each person has the right to make wrong choices even if those choices bring hurt to innocent people. Those wrong choices must not give me reason to dishonor or disrespect the person who made them.
Responsibility
In our culture rights has become synonymous with entitlement. “I am entitled to . . . “ You can almost finish that statement with anything that is imaginable. Underneath entitlement is the strong driving force, “What’s in it for me?”
On the other hand, responsibility says, “What is my part in bringing solution to the problem?” The responsible person doesn’t shift the blame to circumstances, the government, the policies or any other convenient hook for getting myself off the hook. The responsible person says I am fully accountable for my own words, actions and attitudes. I take full ownership for what I have said, what I have done and how I have thought.
The person who embraces authority knowing it is a pathway of learning, develops respect knowing that he can be an instrument to separate the gold from the rock and takes full responsibility for the choices he has made, will look with gratitude at the potential that is released through his life.
